


Everyone wants to feel alive.

by AngelicaR2



Series: All things have consequences [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, All things have consequences series, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, BDSM, Bisexual Female Character, Blood, Blood Drinking, Blood Kink, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Break Up, Canon Het Relationship, Canonical Character Death, Control, Control Issues, Crazy, Crazy Alexandra (Once Upon A Time), Crazy Pinocchio | August Booth, Cynical, Cynicism, Depressing, Depression, Descent into Madness, Dirty Talk, Dominance, Episode: s06e11 Tougher Than The Rest, Eventual Smut, Everyone Has Issues, Exes, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, F/F, F/M, Fear, Fear of Death, Femslash, Fight Sex, Fights, Flying, Gen, Girls Kissing, Gratuitous Smut, Guilt, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, Het, Implied Femslash, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internal Monologue, Kissing, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, Loss of Control, Loss of Identity, Love/Hate, Madness, Masochism, Masturbation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Metaphycal Reflexion, Metaphysical Questioning, Metaphysics, Mild Blood, Mild Painplay, Mutilation, Non-Canon Relationship, POV Alternating, POV Female Character, POV Male Character, POV Multiple, POV Third Person, Pain, Painful Sex, Painplay, Past Mutilation, Pinocchio | August Booth & Emma Swan Friendship, Power Dynamics, Power Play, Real or not real, Reality, References to Depression, Reflection, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Season/Series 06, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sequel, Series, Sexual Fantasy, Smut, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Virtual Reality, What is real and what is not, Wishverse (Once Upon a Time), Women In Power, craziness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-13 15:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16021193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelicaR2/pseuds/AngelicaR2
Summary: [ATHC series. Sequel to Everything fell, but we are still here (And we are suffering)] : Wish Realm. Alexandra reacts to Pinocchio's revelation. And not in a good way. Alexandra/Pinocchio. Past Lily/Alexandra. Nova/Grumpy evoked.





	1. Everyone wants to feel alive.

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note : So… this story is seedy and sad and weird, and… read the warnings.
> 
> Warnings : Depression, existential crisis, unhealthy coping mechanisms, characters death evoked, mental health issues, mental breakdown, cynicism, masochism, and maybe also some smut. There is angst. Some much angst !

_Mirror, mirror, on the wall_

 

 _Tell me who is the saddest of them all_?

 

Princess Alexandra thinks she is dying.

 

Well, she thinks this is what she wants to happen.

 

 _We are not real_.

 

When she had come back at her castle, her parents hadn’t understood the reason why she seemed to be so… _devastated_.

 

Months had passed since Snow and Charming had died, and that Emma had disappeared, she shouldn’t be still _that_ affected by this, right ?

 

_We are not real, we are not real, WE ARE NOT REAL._

 

This unique sentence was just turning again and again in her head.

 

After she had made sure that Pinocchio was okay (aka : after she made sure that there was someone looking after him, one of the fairies, in fact. Nova, if she was not wrong, with her husband, Grumpy, one of the seven dwarfs.), she had decided to come back home, in order to find comfort with her parents.

 

But it didn’t help her at all.

 

And then, she finally understood what Pinocchio must have lived during the previous months : knowing the truth but not being able to tell it to _anyone_ , since no one would believe it.

 

And it was destroying her.

 

 _We are not real_ , he told her.

 

What if he was right ?

 

_§§§§_

 

Now, at every nights, fear was taking possession of her.

 

The fear of not existing anymore.

 

The fear of being _nothing_.

 

The fear of dying.

 

It was absurd, stupid, incoherent.

 

And yet…

 

And yet, she was afraid that, one day, her world would not exist anymore, that _she_ wouldn’t exist anymore.

 

That none of them would be real anymore, that their world would be destroyed in the end, just as _they_ said it would be.

 

They were another version of an already existing reality.

 

They were not the real one.

 

All they were, well… they were nothing but the _fake_ _one_.

 

During the day, it was quite easy for her not to think about it, since she had too much things to do, as the princess of her kingdom.

 

She had tasks to do, people to see and to who she talked, so yes, she could put away from her these disagreeable thoughts.

 

But the night…

 

It rapidly turned out that the night, she just _couldn’t_ _sleep_.

 

Sometimes, it was even worst.

 

There were moments where she just couldn’t even _breath_.

 

The more she was thinking about it, the more terrible and worst it was.

 

And…

 

 _We are not real, we are not real, we are not real_.

 

The sentence was turning again and again and _again_ in her head, even if she didn’t want it to do so.

 

And it was killing her.

 

If they were not real, if Pinocchio was _right_ , well, did anything still just _matter_ ? Or even _mean_ _t_ something ?

 

And another question was hitting her too, during these nights where it was hard for her to find sleep.

 

What would happen after their death ?

 

She had heard of another side, another world, a place where they would find back after their death the one who died, the one they loved, the one they lost.

 

But, if none of this was real, would there be any other side for them ?

 

She didn’t even know if she really wanted _answers_ to this question.

 

_§§§§_

 

There were nights where she stayed awake for hours, unable to sleep, being tortured by these questions which never accepted to let her in peace.

 

Nights where it was hard to breath, hard to stay still, stay calm, hard to think about something else than what had became her obsession, where…

 

 _We are not real, we are not real, we are not real_.

 

And this other question was invading her mind too.

 

What she lived, had it been _real_ at all ?

 

All her life, her memories, her childhood, her friendship with Emma, her relationship with Lily, all these things, did they even happen _for_ _real_ ?

 

Was she real at all ?

 

Did she just _exist_ ?

 

When she came back to see Pinocchio, this one was confronted to a woman with dark rings under her eyes, and with fury in her look.

 

There was also anger and despair in her eyes, and Pinocchio really felt bad for her, since she was facing what he has just faced not a long time ago : this terrifying fear of not being real.

 

(Oh, this and also the fact that their best friend was now gone, that their godson was an orphan and that the king and the queen had been both killed by a woman who would never pay for what she did.)

 

She had went there, in Pinocchio’s house – which used to be Geppetto’s – since she had nowhere else to go, since he was the only one who could _understand_ her.

 

Who knew what she was going through.

 

She had tried to go to talk to Lily, but unlike them, this one was just beginning to move on (after all, Emma’s disappearance happened months ago, right ? Maybe it was time to accept that she was definitely gone), and she was… happy.

 

Well, as much as she could be.

 

Alexandra just didn’t want to ruin it, to ruin _her_.

 

And it was what would just happen, if she told her the truth.

 

Because yes, now, Alexandra didn’t have anymore any _illusions_ about it, and she knew that her friend had been telling her the truth, the _reality_.

 

And this was _ruining_ her, _breaking_ her.

 

 _Pinocchio_ had told her the truth, had showed her the reality, and had made her understand what a terrible poison these two things could be.

 

Alexandra didn’t want her friend and ex-lover to feel as broken and destroyed as she was just feeling right now.

 

All she wanted was to protect her, and, if, in order to do this, she had to hid it from her, to hid the _truth_ , to lie to her when she would ask her if she was okay, well, then, she would do it willingly.

 

Sometimes, ignorance was clearly better than truth, or knowledge, and to know that your world was perceived by some people as being a fake one, as being just a _lie_ , it could be devastating.

 

They were coming from a freaking alternate reality that some people considered as being not the real one.

 

And Emma had left them, _abandoned_ them, because she believed it, and Alexandra was beginning to believe it too.

 

Lily didn’t have to know that.

 

She didn’t have to be broken by the terrible certitude of knowing the truth and not wanting to know it, since it could just destroy you.

 

_We are not real, we are not real, we are not real._

 

 _Are we_?

 

Alexandra herself wished that she never did, never _knew_ it.

 

But her and Pinocchio, they _didn’t_ _have_ any other choice, they _knew_ it, they knew the truth.

 

They couldn’t forget, except if they used some magic to do so, but were they really ready to do this ?

 

All magic comes with a price, after all.

 

And Alexandra was not sure that she wanted to pay it at all…

 

So, they didn’t have the choice.

 

They had to live with it.

 

For now, and since Pinocchio confessed to her what was really going on, they were linked _together_ and _forever_ by this secret – which was not really one, since Rumplestiltskin knew the truth too – and they both didn’t know how to support it, or even just how to _live_ again with the weight of truth that had been put on their shoulders.

 

None of them really knew if they really could do this again, be like they used to be.

 

They knew they never would.

 

Since nothing would ever be the same.

 

Since _they_ would never be the same.

 

Oh hell, they were so fucked up…

 

_§§§§_

 

Alexandra had come here, not because she had nowhere to go or no one to be with – she had her parents, she still had Lily, Henry, her friends… But they wouldn’t understand her sadness, her pain, the horror in which she had been put – but because Pinocchio was the only person she could be angry at.

 

Because, unlike her, unlike _them_ , Pinocchio had been one of the actors of the tragedy.

 

(And one of the victims too, of course, but it seemed like Alexandra’s spirit, with all the bad faith of the world, just wanted to momentary forget this “detail” which was not really one.)

 

Not the main culprit, oh no…

 

But, in Alexandra’s point of view and in her twisted mind, which was just looking for a culprit, for someone to blame, it was all _his_ fault.

 

It didn’t matter for her right now that he hadn’t known everything, all the pieces of the puzzle, the queen’s and king’s deaths, it didn’t matter that the monster was the queen, that he had done nothing, because she was far away now, and she couldn’t be punished for her crimes.

 

He was the only one who was still here.

 

Emma was gone, had fled, had _abandoned_ them, had _left_ with the _queen_ – and Alexandra was still not believing that she was thinking this, because hell, it couldn’t be true ! – and this, without even looking back, without saying goodbye – they wouldn’t have let her go, had she done this. She was their _family,_ she didn’t have the right to leave them ! – without hesitating, and _hell_ , did Alexandra _hate_ _her_ for this.

 

But she was not here anymore, and the princess couldn’t even _yell_ at her or blame her for what had happened.

 

It was the same thing with the Evil Queen, and because of that, the dead king and queen would _never_ get justice.

 

But Pinocchio…

 

Pinocchio was still _here_ , and he had helped them escape, and…

 

( _He didn’t know, he didn’_ _t_ _know, he didn’t know, he_ never _knew_.

 

 _So what_? _What_ _does it change ?_

 

_I still lost my friend, and the kingdom lost their rulers._

 

 _It happened because of_ him _, because_ he _made the bad choice._ )

 

And she knew deep down that he had lost as much as she did, but it didn’t stop a part of her from _hating_ him.

 

And it was stupid, absurd, _incoherent_.

 

But hell, did she not _care_ about it.

 

It was the only thing she had found so she wouldn’t become completely crazy and mad because of the pain.

 

She just wanted someone to suffer as much as she did, and her friend was the only one against who she could do it.

 

He had told her the truth – and maybe that it was making it less worst if they were not real, then, their sufferings were less horrible. But, on the other hand, it also meant that it completely meant _nothing_ at all. _They meant nothing_ – because she asked him to do so, but she wouldn’t forgive him for this.

 

She pitied him too, of course.

 

She hated him as much as she loved him.

 

Conflicted feelings were never easy.

 

How on hell could she want to punch Pinocchio right in the face and kiss him at the same time ?

 

She just wanted to _feel_ something, even if it was just pain.

 

(Yeah, she was not logical at all, but it was this since the moment she learned that their world was not the real one.)

 

To feel _alive_.

 

She had heard a story, the one of this man, this _Huntsman_ , whose heart had been taken from him, and who was freed from his prison after the Queen had been defeated.

 

The man who couldn’t feel anything and who was so desperate because of that, until he got his heart back.

 

She was feeling like him, in a way.

 

She wanted Pinocchio to suffer, and at the same time, she wanted him to tell her that everything would be okay – even if it was just a lie – and in the same time she also wanted to comfort him.

 

She didn’t even understand herself anymore.

 

She felt like she was becoming mad.

 

She didn’t know what she wanted.

 

“What are you doing here Alexandra ? Pinocchio asked her with a tired tone.”

 

(He was getting a little better now, since he was not alone anymore, since he was not the only one to _know_.

 

But it didn’t change how wrong he was feeling.)

 

He looked at her, and just saw darkness.

 

And there was so much anger in her eyes…

 

He realized quickly that she was angry _at_ _him_.

 

And he easily understood the reason why, since he was one of the causes of the situation.

 

She sat down.

 

Confusion rapidly replaced anger.

 

“I don’t know, she admitted.”

 

Her world was falling apart, and she was lost.

 

The truth was that she didn’t really want to think about it.

 

Present was too much painful for her, for _the_ _two_ of them.

 

And she realized she had nothing to tell to Pinocchio, not right now.

 

And it seemed like he was not expecting her to talk.

 

So, she closed her eyes, and remembered a time where things were much more easy for her.

 

_§§§§_

 

_She is just ten years old and this day, she meets a little girl named Lily._

 

_Emma and Pinocchio are next to her, and as her, they are looking with curiosity at the new arrival._

 

 _She is Maleficent’s daughter,_ the _dragon, the woman who was a villain and isn’t anymore, who stopped her former friend and student, in order to make sure her daughter would be safe._

 

 _And she_ is _a dragon too._

 

_(Detail.)_

 

_Snow and Charming are here too – just as Ella and Thomas, and Geppetto – and it’s hard and strange to think or imagine that, once upon a time, these three people were complete enemies._

 

_To become a mother certainly changed Maleficent’s state of mind._

 

_It was strange too, to know that these three children would become friends, then._

 

_§§§§_

 

_Alexandra is fourteen years old and she knows that she is bisexual._

 

_And she is in love with Lily._

 

_And she is freaking afraid of telling this to her parents._

 

_And to Emma._

 

_And to Pinocchio._

 

_And to Lily, obviously._

 

_Which is stupid, since everything turns good._

 

_For now, of course._

 

_It won’t last._

 

_§§§§_

 

_Now, she is twenty years old, and she is happier than ever._

 

_Her and Lily are together since six years, and this is not going to end, not yet._

 

_She has no idea of what her life is going to become._

 

_Her and Lily are in love, and it’s completely enough for her._

 

_It’s an ordinary day, and Alexandra is shivering with excitement because of her girlfriend’s presence._

 

_It’s a beautiful day, and the princess doesn’t want it to end._

 

_They are together, alone, lying on their bed, their fingers interlaced together, and… yes._

 

_It’s a beautiful day._

 

_They are naked, Lily’s head is on Alexandra’s shoulder, and this one is listening to the other woman’s breath._

 

_It’s a quiet moment that none of them wants to break._

 

_Well…_

 

_Until it’s done._

 

_Lily turns her head in Alexandra’s direction and she smiles to her._

 

“ _I think I love you, she tells her.”_

 

_It’s not the first time she says this, but again, Alexandra feels her breath stop and she is smiling too._

 

_She kisses her, and she is sure that this happiness will never stop._

 

_Until it does._

 

_§§§§_

 

Love doesn’t last.

 

It never does.

 

They are twenty-four years old, and they break up one day, since their love is now dead, even if they stay friends.

 

Years pass, Neal dies, Emma disappears, the kingdom falls apart and Alexandra feels more and more lost, and without knowing how, she falls in love with Pinocchio in the process.

 

She has no idea of what is happening to her now.

 

All she wants is to feel alive.

 

_§§§§_

 

“I don’t know what I want, she says.”

 

And it’s a lie.

 

Oh, bloody hell, of course it’s a freaking lie !

 

She bloody knows what she wants.

 

She is lost.

 

Alone.

 

Broken.

 

(And maybe too much melodramatic too.)

 

She doesn’t want to feel this anymore, to feel broken, hurt and destroyed.

 

She just wants to feel alive.

 

Nothing else.

 

She remembers…

 

_§§§§_

 

 _She_ _remembers_ _the joy, the happiness._

 

 _S_ _he remembers her friends, the smiles, the way Lily kept looking at her when they were still together, and her heart breaks._

 

_She remembers the warmth, the love, the way she could fly on Lily’s back, when this one was a dragon, the way her kisses made her fly too._

 

_She remembers everything and it hurts._

 

_Because now, it’s completely over._

 

_She remembers Lily’s breath on her body, she remembers the way she shivered when she was next to her, she remembers hot kisses on her skin._

 

 _She remembers the way Lily was making her_ feel alive _, as_ _no one ever did before or after, except Pinocchio or Emma, when they were making her laugh, before the tragedy happened._

 

_Because now, she didn’t feel alive at all._

 

_She just felt cold and dead._

 

 _She was feeling_ nothing _._

 

 _She remembers_ _hands exploring her body, she remembers a mouth pressed on her own and kissing her._

 

 _She remembers the kisses,_ so many _kisses, she remembers_ how good _they were making her feel, and…_

 

_Feel, feel, feel…_

 

_She remembers how Lily and her made love together, and she remembers thinking about how happy she was._

 

 _She remembers the pleasure, she remembers thinking_ nothing, _except…_

 

 _Feeling,_ _feeling, feeling…_

 

_She remembers and she realizes that now, to think doesn’t bring any pleasure to her._

 

 _It only brings her_ pain _._

 

 _So much pain,_ too much _pain, because she remembers what was once, and what is not and will never be_ real _again._

 

 _S_ _he remembers and she realizes that she doesn’t want_ to think _anymore._

 

_She knows what she wants._

 

_And she knows how to do so._

 

_§§§§_

 

Alexandra is looking at him with fury in her eyes, and anger, and sadness, and _madness_.

 

The person in front of him is not his friend anymore, it’s someone else.

 

And, for one terrific second, Pinocchio thought that she may wanted to kill him.

 

She is standing up again, and her nails are deeply buried into her hands, and it looks like she doesn’t care anymore about physical pain.

 

“You did this ! She finally exclaimed with an accusative tone.”

 

No more words needed to be exchanged between them. They both knew what she was talking about.

 

“You don’t think it, Pinocchio immediately protested. “

 

Just because he knew that he had responsibilities in the tragedy which touched them didn’t mean that he accepted to be accused of being the plague which destroyed everything.

 

The princess’ hands began shaking, and the air of distress in her eyes made the former puppet want to hug her. And he would have done it, hadn’t been the look of pure hatred emanating from her.

 

“ _You did this_ ! She repeated, screaming at him, finally releasing this anger she had kept in her since the moment he told her the truth. You helped them escape ! You made this damn wardrobe, you helped them, you helped _her_ ! The queen, the murderer, the _monster_ !

 

\- I knew nothing about what happened or about what she did. And how could I know it ? Emma was here, and she needed my _help_ ! What could I do ? Refuse to do it ?

 

\- You should have waited ! And search for information, instead of just listening to them !

 

\- Their world was in danger and they had to go home ! It had to be quick !

 

\- What about our world, Pinocchio ? What about us ?

 

\- We are not real !

 

\- Of course we are !

 

\- If we were, Emma would be still here, and not in another world, in _her_ reality !”

 

Alexandra had an ironic smile.

 

Oh, yes…

 

 _Emma_.

 

“Tell-me, _Pinocchio_ … Didn’t you ever think that you could maybe, just _maybe_ be wrong ?

 

The former wooden boy frowned.

 

\- What do you mean ?

 

\- What if Emma was not herself ? What if she had been cursed by the queen ? Because, yes, why would she follow the _Evil Queen_ , the one who killed her parents, and why would she abandon her own son ? What if all of this was just a great manipulation ?”

 

Pinocchio immediately paled.

 

No, he never thought about this possibility.

 

“She wasn’t ! He affirmed.

 

\- How do you know that ?

 

\- Because… it would make no sense ! Why would she want to do this ? And by the way…

 

And at this moment, Pinocchio finally realized something he never understood before.

 

\- Did anyone go to check the queen’s cellar ? If she is still there, then, what they told me was true.

 

And Alexandra realized something else.

 

\- Where is Emma ? _Our_ Emma ? What happened to her ? Did this Emma replace her ?

 

\- I don’t know… All I know is that our world was not _her_ world, and that she couldn’t stay.

 

\- So what ?

 

\- Then, she made her choice. Because, for her, _we_ _are_ _not_ _real_ !

 

\- WE ARE !”

 

Pinocchio realized that she was completely denying the truth, she was trembling, and there was fear in her eyes.

 

The same fear he had felt since the moment Emma and Regina left, and since he realized that nothing made sense anymore in his world.

 

And yet…

 

What if she was right ? What if _they_ had been wrong ?

 

What if they were real ?

 

_§§§§_

 

The fury and the madness were still present in her eyes.

 

“What makes you think we are not real ? Alexandra asked him again. We are as real as they are ! Just because we are from another reality doesn’t change that ! _We are alive_ ! And real ! We are human people, we breath, we _live_ , we suffer, we have feelings, fears, hopes. WE ARE REAL !

 

\- Oh, and by the way, what does it change exactly ? Pinocchio answered, now being angry at her too. Will it make our lives be less _meaningless_ than they already are ? Did our lives ever have a _sense_ , even before the other Emma and the other Regina came here ? No ! And now, all of this, you being a princess, being an _heir_ , having responsibilities… Doesn’t it seem to be just more useless and meaningless, now that you know that _none of this_ is _real_ ?”

 

A light of furor suddenly appeared in Alexandra’s eyes.

 

“Dare telling me _this_ is not _real_ ! She whistled, before punching him right in the face with a great strength and a real violence.”

 

A strange noise was then heard by them, and Alexandra rapidly realized that she must have broken his nose.

 

And she immediately understood something else.

 

She didn’t regret it _at_ _all_.

 

It had been just so… _liberating_ to do this, to release this anger she had to keep in her for _weeks_.

 

She should have felt guilty, for she had punched her best friend in his face, for no real reason.

 

But she was _happy_.

 

Because she was feeling _something_.

 

Something else than this emptiness which had been invading her for so many times now.

 

But it just lasted for a time, she rapidly realized.

 

Blood began to flow from Pinocchio’s nose, and Alexandra just _didn’t care_.

 

She _couldn’t_.

 

The thing which surprised her was that her friend hadn’t screamed when she had hit him, despite the pain he must be feeling now.

 

In fact, he was even _smiling_ to her.

 

“So, tell me, Alexandra, he asked her with a smirk, does it make you feel any better ?”

 

He was clearly mocking her, and Alexandra briefly asked herself when the situation had turned this way. She didn’t know when they had became so desperate, her, so much full of rage and incomprehension, and him, so much of cynicism.

 

Emma had destroyed them by her choice, she realized.

 

Alexandra sent him death stares, clenching her left fist, not succeeding to hid her grimace of pain.

 

He knew that she was not better now, since he experienced it too, this kind of pain that not even physical pain could heal or make less worst.

 

Nothing could, apparently.

 

Was violence the only option ?

 

For now, yes.

 

And since he was the only one she could hurt without feeling too much bad…

 

“You bloody know it doesn’t !”

 

She had hurt him and hurt herself at the same time, and yet, she was not feeling better than before, just as he himself did, when he harmed himself, cut himself willingly, in order to make disappear this feeling of being _nothing_ anymore.

 

It clearly didn’t work.

 

He bloody knew what she was feeling.

 

_Anger._

 

_Sadness._

 

_Hatred._

 

She looked at the blood, fascinated.

 

She had got what she wanted, and at the same time, she hadn’t.

 

She had hurt him, but yet, it didn’t seem like he was suffering.

 

He smirked again, crossing his arms.

 

He was not even trying to stop the bleeding.

 

“What did you think exactly ? That I would scream ? You can trust me now, Alexandra, I’m used to _suffer_. Physically speaking, I mean. And I guess you’re waiting for an answer… And a good one…”

 

This time, he was the one who hit her.

 

A devilish smile crossed Alexandra’s face after that, as if it was _just_ the answer she was waiting for.

 

She didn’t know where this would lead them, but yet, she just wanted to let her anger go from her, and if it was by fighting him, then…

 

Okay.

 

So, he wanted to play this game ?

 

Alright.

 

Then, they would.

 

_To be continued…_

 

 **Author’s note :** **So…** I didn’t intend to make this that long, and if I continue and do this in one chapter, it will be too much long, so… There will be another chapter… And with more angst and smut.

 

 

 

 


	2. Hello old pain...

**Author’s note :** **So… here there are angst,** and anger !Past self-harm, self-harm…

 

She clenched her fists again, not caring anymore about the pain.

 

She was bleeding too, a little, less than him, she quickly realized, and it just made her even more smile.

 

They were crazy.

 

Maybe.

 

But who cared ?

 

They were not real, after all.

 

They were going to fix their problems (well, at least, if such a thing could be really done) with their fists, through pain and anger.

 

And it was certainly the worst idea they ever had.

 

But, again, who cared ?

 

Well, they personally didn’t.

 

_§§§§_

 

Pinocchio’s hands were now full of blood.

 

Full of _his_ blood, since he had finally tried to stop his nose’s bleeding.

 

Feeling some sympathy toward him (and especially not wanting the fight to end too soon, even if she was not sure that a broken nose could make you pass out), with a simple gesture, she used her magic and fixed his nose.

 

And this time, he had a grimace of pain on his face which made her smile, and it made her realize something.

 

Was she becoming sadistic ?

 

If the answer was yes, well, it was fine for her.

 

She should have felt bad, but she didn’t.

 

She just wanted someone to suffer, she wanted _him_ to suffer, as much as she herself did, as much as she was suffering.

 

“So, here we are… he finally said. What did we become, Alexandra ? He asked her with sadness, looking for a real answer.”

 

He was as desperate and lost as she was.

 

If Alexandra indeed had dark rings under her eyes, it was the same for the former puppet.

 

They both hadn’t slept well for weeks.

 

They became the shadow of who they used to be, before this horror began, and none of them knew how they could fix it, how to properly do it, if it was possible.

 

Or even how to fix _themselves_.

 

They were both broken and traumatized by they had lived and been through.

 

Pinocchio had been the first one to have doubts about _his_ _own_ _existence_ , about _reality_ itself, _their_ reality. He was the one who had accepted the fact that they may were not real, but it didn’t mean that he was pleased by this perspective.

 

Alexandra, as for her, hadn’t been able to do anything to fix it, to fix herself, to fix her friend, to help Henry go through this hell…

 

She had been so useless…

 

Or so she thought.

 

Something was wrong with both of them.

 

He felt guilty about what happened, since he was not able to do the right thing, well, what appeared to be the right thing _now_.

 

She just wanted to get some control on her life again.

 

(How would this end ?

 

None of them knew.)

 

She shrugged.

 

“I don’t know, she confessed. We lost a lot of things… Maybe we lost ourselves in the process too…”

 

 _Of course we did,_ he almost answered her.

 

The rage was still there, she quickly realized, and it would _never_ leave her, unless she found a way to make it go.

 

But how ?

 

To talk hadn’t made it disappear.

 

Maybe that to fight would help.

 

Oh, what a fool she was if she thought it could happen _for_ _real_ !

 

This would not stop the pain, and she knew it perfectly.

 

But at least, it would make her stop _thinking_ …

 

He attacked her again, without any warning, and her smile immediately came back on her face.

 

She asked herself what would happen if her parents knew where she was and what she was doing.

 

She realized she didn’t care, for they would never understand what she was living, since she didn’t want them to know.

 

The fight lasted some minutes, and was painful for both of them.

 

_Blood._

 

_Wounds._

 

_Pain._

 

_Feelings._

 

And for the first time in a long, _long_ time, Alexandra didn’t think anymore about her suffering, about her fear of not being real, of being nothing at all.

 

She looked at themselves, and saw something which should have horrified her in other circumstances.

 

There was blood, wounds, _pain_.

 

And yet, there were still smiles on their faces.

 

The princess understood the truth at this precise moment.

 

 _We are crazy_.

 

It was better, _far_ _better_ than this : _we are not real._

 

_§§§§_

 

“Yes, she repeated mockingly, here we are…

 

\- So, tell me… how does it end ?”

 

Alexandra didn’t answer.

 

She came closer to him, and she looked at his arms, and she paled.

 

Not because of the blood on it, but because of something else.

 

For she had seen his scars.

 

And some of them seemed to be really new one.

 

Then, she remembered the day she had found him with blood on his arms, after he had harmed himself, again, and again, and _again_.

 

“You never stopped cutting yourself, didn’t you ? She asked him with worry.”

 

It was just a rhetorical question, for sure, since she already had the answer under her eyes.

 

She looked at it more carefully, and realized how many of them had appeared since a not long time.

 

It was time for her to stop playing.

 

The game was over.

 

She healed them rapidly thanks to her magic.

 

She could have used her magic during the fight, but she didn’t want to cheat, since her friend didn’t have any magic.

 

He smiled again, and it scared her.

 

“Of course I never stopped…”

 

Alexandra looked again at his bare arm, full of wounds which were more or less healed, and she abruptly took it.

 

She continued staring, fascinated by it in a morbid way, her long nails immediately entering into his skin.

 

When she saw that he was not even moving, she frowned.

 

“Doesn’t it hurt ?”

 

He chuckled without great conviction, shivering at the contact of her fingers on his skin.

 

“It always does, he affirmed, mortally serious.”

 

They both knew that they weren’t talking about the same thing.

 

And he made no move or any try to escape from her grip, which really scared her.

 

Her nails finally notched his skin, and she looked at the blood which was leaving him.

 

Then, she looked at him, with fire in her eyes.

 

“You never stopped ! She told him with rage, and incomprehension. Her grip suddenly became firmer, and Pinocchio grimaced again. Why did you never stop ?”

 

 _Why did I never see it ?_ She asked herself.

 

And she found easily the answer.

 

_You were too much focused on yourself._

 

_Why did no one see it ?_

 

_He is alone, and it’s easy to hid these scars from someone who doesn’t know they are here._

 

_He didn’t hid them from me._

 

_You already knew he had these scars. He didn’t have to. He didn’t feel the need to hid them. For he knew that you have the same, in a different way._

 

Pinocchio chuckled again. But his laugh (if it could be seen as one) was too much cold, and it scared Alexandra too, who didn’t recognize her friend anymore. She loosened her grip.

 

And he answered to her question by another one.

 

“Can you stop being angry at the entire world ? If you can’t, you understand why _I can’t_ too… And by “the entire world”, I mean, of course, especially… _me_.”

 

Yes, she knew it. She had been unfair to him.

 

“Pinocchio… It was not your fault. You did what you could, what you thought was right. Anybody else would have done the same in your situation.

 

\- It doesn’t change the fact that… I failed. I failed all of you. I believe what they told me, what they thought was true, but I was wrong. And I know it now, Alexandra. They were wrong too. _We are real._ But it doesn’t change the fact that Emma is still gone, Henry is an orphan, and the king and the queen are dead.

 

\- Not because of you. But because of the Evil Queen. She did this. You didn’t.

 

\- Maybe. But something had been broken in this kingdom, in this realm. In _me_. And now… nothing is the same anymore.

 

 _-_ And you really think you can get better by harming yourself ? She asked him sharply.

 

She then rapidly healed this little wound, and finally sat down, a thing he did after her.

 

\- I never thought it would.

 

\- So why ?”

 

And Pinocchio did as she did before.

 

He remembered too.

 

He began to talk.

 

_§§§§_

 

_He had told Alexandra the truth, and it had changed nothing._

 

 _He had let go his burden, and it changed_ nothing _._

 

_The first time he cut himself was certainly not an accident, and so wasn’t it when he did it just after Alexandra left him, as this one had to think about it._

 

_And, as he realized it quickly, he couldn’t stop._

 

“Why ? Alexandra asked him.”

 

_He himself didn’t know._

 

_Well…_

 

_The first explanation could be that…_

 

“I felt like I deserved to endure it. That I _had_ to do this.

 

\- But… why ?

 

\- Do you know guilt Alexandra ? Guilt is a terrible poison. It can eat you alive, and destroy you even before you noticed it was happening. It can devour you entirely, until nothing else of you remains in the end. Guilt can hit you, even if you don’t deserve it. I let them go, and this is _my_ failure. This is why I feel guilty. I didn’t do what was right for us, for _our_ _world_. I should have, I should have _fought_ for us. I should have known they were wrong.

 

\- You’re feeling guilty for something you didn’t do ?

 

\- _That’s_ the absurd thing in this situation… And yes. Because I feel like I should have done something, _anything…_

 

 _-_ It’s not the only reason, right ? There is something else. Something about _pain_ itself, which made something to you so you never stopped.”

 

Pinocchio had an ironic laugh.

 

“You know me so well… Because you know yourself too… It was, at first, the only reason why I was doing this to myself. And then… it turned into something else. I realized that it was the only thing which could make me really feel _alive_ now. You know things about it, don’t you ?”

 

Yeah…

 

She knew what it was, this freaking emptiness which couldn’t leave you anymore, with just the feeling in you of being _nothing_ , of not being real.

 

She bloody knew what it was, not to feel alive, and when you just wanted to feel _something_.

 

Even if it was just pain.

 

“And when you do this… You feel alive ?

 

\- I do…

 

\- Does it hurt ?”

 

He shrugged.

 

“Not anymore. I’m used to it now, you know. I feel it as being something liberating for me, and when I bleed, it’s just as if the guilt was leaving me, leaving my _veins_ , at the same time as the blood does.”

 

She looked at him with a shocked expression.

 

\- It took me some time to think about it this way, he explained.

 

\- Well… it’s still… _weird_.

 

\- You cope with your feeling of emptiness by punching me in the face, and by fighting me until you see me bleed, and until you bleed yourself too. My coping mechanism is not more unhealthy than yours is, Alexandra.”

 

She nodded, and finally decided to leave.

 

She wasn’t feeling better at all, she realized.

 

_§§§§_

 

Alexandra returned at Pinocchio’s house the day after.

 

She needed to see him, she _needed_ to know that she was not the only one whose live had been broken into pieces.

 

It became like a routine for both of them.

 

They understood each other.

 

And they both knew that they were not alone.

 

It didn’t stop them from being miserable…

 

It didn’t stop – _never_ stopped – Alexandra’s rage from killing her from the inside.

 

It didn’t stop Pinocchio from continuing his macabre habit.

 

And Alexandra didn’t understand why.

 

She was here, after all.

 

So, why was it not enough ?

 

Oh, she bloody knew why.

 

 _Can you stop being angry at the entire world_? He had asked her.

 

Of course she couldn’t, and he couldn’t stop either from destroying himself.

 

Alexandra sighed and asked herself when they would get out of this hell.

 

_To be continued…_

 

 


	3. To fix what can’t be normal again.

**Author’s note :** **So… Angst, anger, self-harm, blood, smut, masochism, sadism… ANGST !**

 

To say that they didn’t have a healthy life was just a freaking euphemism.

 

And they both knew it too well.

 

Alexandra still didn’t know if she really cared.

 

_§§§§_

 

She was the only one to who he showed his scars.

 

She had cured them, of course, she had erased them from his skin, but the thing is that, _every_ _day_ , a new one appears on his arms, and Alexandra has no fucking idea of _how_ to make him stop, how to make him want to be better.

 

But how could she, since she herself doesn’t know how to get better, how to stop this rage, this violence in her that she has so much difficulties to contain, and since she doesn’t know how to express her desire to control things ?

 

To have the control on one fucking thing in her life, it was the only thing she was wanted to have.

 

Was it too much to ask ?

 

_§§§§_

 

Sometimes, she wanted to destroy herself.

 

Except that unlike Pinocchio, she didn’t feel like she had the right to do so.

 

She _knew_ she didn’t have the right to.

 

She was a princess.

 

Princesses don’t give up their kingdom, and she was certainly not going to do so.

 

It didn’t stop her from wanting to do it.

 

That was the problem of seeing Pinocchio and seeing what he was doing : he made her want to just chuck everything in.

 

And it was _bad_ , since it was something she just _couldn’t_ _do_.

 

The worst thing of it, in fact, was that she really wanted to.

 

Before this day, it never was so hard to try not to fall.

 

And now ?

 

Well…

 

She felt like falling was the only option she still had.

 

_§§§§_

 

Destroy her own mind.

 

She thought about this option a lot of time, when she wasn’t focused on something else.

 

(And _that_ was the real problem. She couldn’t stay focused on something else during enough time, and _anything_ could make her think about it, think about _how_ _much_ her own life was just _vain_ , and about the so little and non-existent control she had on it. She couldn’t stop herself from thinking about it.

 

There were so much things in her life or in the _world_ itself that she couldn’t control).

 

This would have been so easy.

 

Alcohol could make it work, or well, make her not _work_ or function or be okay anymore.

 

And this would be, again, such a bad idea.

 

She can’t say she is not tempted by this option, but it doesn’t last.

 

This is not a good idea.

 

She is not yet – luckily, she is not going to be one before some years, with chance – the ruler of her country, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have responsibilities.

 

And even if Pinocchio thinks as she does that nothing matters anymore, that nothing has _sense_ , she still wants to do as if it was the case, as if her world hadn’t fallen into pieces.

 

She doesn’t believe it, of course.

 

It doesn’t stop her from trying.

 

_§§§§_

 

She never wanted to destroy herself the way Pinocchio was doing so, and she never harmed herself.

 

The idea did cross her mind, but she knew that it wouldn’t make her feel better – not that she was sure that it helped Pinocchio feel better either – but she never did it for real.

 

There is a part of her which wanted her to do so, but, unlike Pinocchio, she couldn’t hid it, if she decided to mutilate herself.

 

The other part just wanted her to feel _alive_ , to get _control_.

 

She is lost, and full of rage and violence, she is not herself anymore and her parents don’t recognize her.

 

And Pinocchio is the only one who understands her.

 

Once, there was a time where she was a completely different person.

 

_§§§§_

 

_She was a young woman who was in love and who was happy._

 

_Yeah, that’s cliche, and she knew it._

 

_She didn’t care._

 

_It was another day where her and Lily were together._

 

_They were in their bed._

 

 _This_ _time, it was Lily who was lying on her, and there was a smile on her face._

 

And it was hard, _so_ hard for Alexandra, to remember this, to remember these happy days which would never come back.

 

It was harder to remind these scenes, now that she had let her internal anger finally explode, and all of this, well… it couldn’t bring her anything but pain.

 

_Lily looked at her girlfriend and kissed her._

 

_It was a soft kiss, full of tenderness._

 

Alexandra missed those moments.

 

She missed her easy and simple life.

 

_Alexandra was feeling her body against her, in a soft pressure, Lily’s hands wandering on her skin, caressing her softly, with love._

 

_Yes._

 

_All her gestures were just full of softness._

 

And now, Alexandra knew well that it was not what she wanted anymore.

 

_Lily’s hands continued what they were doing, and…_

 

Alexandra closed her eyes.

 

She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t remember it.

 

Lily had loved her, yes.

 

But it was not the case anymore, and this was not what she wanted.

 

She clenched her fists.

 

Tears rolled along her cheeks.

 

She tried to breath with difficulty, and it burned her.

 

She began to sob, just feeling pain and pain, again, again, and AGAIN…

 

The princess was back in her bed, the one in her castle, the one her and Lily used to share together.

 

Softness was gone for her now, forever.

 

All she still had was rage.

 

Other flashes of memories crossed through her mind…

 

_§§§§_

 

“ _I love you, I love you, I love you….”_

 

I miss you Lily, Alexandra thought. So much.

 

She didn’t love her anymore, but yet, it didn’t mean she didn’t care about her.

 

She had decided not to tell her the truth about their world, about the fact that they were alternate versions of existing people, about the fact that _no_ _one_ there cared about them.

 

That _Emma_ didn’t care enough about them.

 

It meant that she had lost her forever.

 

It meant that Lily would _never_ understand her the way Pinocchio could.

 

_There is a hand touching her, and it belongs to Lily, obviously, and it feels damn good._

 

It used to be, in fact.

 

_And Alexandra doesn’t want it to stop._

 

Except that it did, in end.

 

 _One of Lily’s hands is on her left breast, caressing it with softness –_ yes, softness, _again_ , as if there was nothing else she could remember from this period of time – _while Lily’s mouth is stuck on her right nipple, that she is sucking, and Alexandra moans with pleasure._

 

_Then, her girlfriend’s hand looses itself between her tights, caressing her clit, softly, and this time, she screams with pleasure._

 

Her screams are now just full of horror and pain.

 

All of them.

 

She wants these feelings to come back again, but she knows that things can’t be as they used to be.

 

In a schizophrenic way, she wanted things to be as they were before, while in the same time, she wanted _something else_.

 

Something which was _in_ _her_ , coming _from_ _her_ , which terrified her, and that Lily just _couldn’t_ understand.

 

Rage, anger, hatred…

 

All of this was burning in her veins, threatening to explode at any moment, and she just didn’t know _how_ to let it go.

 

Well, she knew how now, but not with who.

 

She wanted Lily without wanting her the way she used to want her, which meant that now she wanted something else, something Lily herself didn’t want.

 

Yeah… It had no fucking sense, and she herself didn’t understand what she meant.

 

Hell, if she herself didn’t understand what she wanted to say, to _have_ , how could she hope to succeed to formulate it _for_ _real_ and make it be understood by another person ?

 

She couldn’t/didn’t want to get her ex back in her life, because she knew how much different they were now.

 

Because, unlike her, Lily was _happy_. She was everything Alexandra used to be and wasn’t anymore, and it was the reason why they would never be together again, even if both of them had wanted to. She would never understand her rage, her violence, would never…

 

Nothing was like it used to be, and it was killing her.

 

And this rage was present in another way in her.

 

She was frustrated, clearly.

 

It didn’t happen by chance, the fact that what she was remembering of Lily and herself now was how they made love to each other.

 

Since she couldn’t express her anger and her violence by using… well, _violence_ , the only other option for her was to do it through sex.

 

A thing she never wanted to do before.

 

Which explained easily her “little” problem.

 

She had realized it not a long time after her fight with Pinocchio, when she had finally accepted to release her rage. Usually, Alexandra was not a violent person, that was the reason why Pinocchio had been the only one she had attacked. Because she _knew_ that she could do it, because he _understood_ why she felt the need to do this.

 

But it had a side effect on her.

 

The princess may had, without knowing it, woken up her dark side.

 

The one which wanted to destroy things.

 

That was the reason why she felt so bad.

 

She was not used to feel frustrated, and this one, this _frustration_ was now eating her alive, destroying her, burning her.

 

And to remember her sex life with Lily certainly didn’t help. Alexandra tried to relax, and not to think about anymore, not to think about _anything_ , and she put herself under her blankets, before sighing heavily.

 

Gods, this night was going to be so long…

 

_§§§§_

 

She. Would. Not. Sleep. For. The. Whole. Fucking. Night.

 

Not if she continued despite herself to think about all these things which were already poisoning her during the day, in fact, all she wanted was not to _think_ anymore.

 

Not now.

 

Not to think about painful things.

 

She had to do something to put it out of her.

 

So, her hand naturally found its way between her thighs.

 

She was frustrated.

 

And alone.

 

And excited.

 

So, this seemed to be the only thing she could do to stop thinking about death, horror and pain.

 

She opened her legs, and she slowly began to rub her clit, touching herself as she already did before, trying to remember one of her nights with Lily or Pinocchio.

 

Because yes, after her break-up with Lily, she had had sex with him two or three times.

 

But these memories didn’t help her at all, and she let a frustrated groan escape from her lips.

 

So, she turned it into something else, a little fantasy coming from her mind, and which never happened for real.

 

She hoped it would help her feeling better.

 

_§§§§_

 

_It happens in a world where Lily is as much ruined as she is._

 

_There is fire in her eyes, the same rage which lights in Alexandra’s body._

 

 _All they want is to ruin the other one, again and again and again, and to bring her into an ocean of pleasure from which she will never come back, and where none of them will ever_ think _again._

 

_They are broken and they know it perfectly._

 

_And they love it._

 

_Lily runs finally into her direction,_ _cups Alexandra’s face in her hands, and she kisses her immediately, hungrily._

 

_The kiss is rough, brutal, violent and yet full of passion. Alexandra bites Lily’s lips and she drinks her blood, and she finally stops thinking._

 

_It’s just perfect._

 

_Alexandra looks at Lily, and she feels like she is burning._

 

_She wants to ruin her._

 

_And it seems like Lily completely agrees with her._

 

_Or maybe it’s her imagination, or her fantasy, which makes her think that._

 

_Maybe that it was just what she wanted Lily to feel._

 

_Alexandra groaned when she felt that Lily was still fully dressed._

 

In reality, she didn’t make any sound.

 

_Lust was darkening their eyes, and Alexandra couldn’t help but kiss, bite and mark everything she could on Lily’s body._

 

_Lily moaned._

 

“ _Alexandra… she whispered, and the princess smiled against her neck._

 

_\- Yes ?” Her lover asked her with a mischievous grin._

 

_Lily didn’t answer, so Alexandra continued her caresses._

 

_These one rapidly turned into true scratches, and she made her nails roll all along the other woman’s skin with delight, in a way which was everything but soft._

 

_Alexandra had now pressed her on the bed, surrounding her completely this time, having her at her mercy._

 

 _The_ _princess had another smile._

 

_Now, she really had the control._

 

_And she adored it._

 

_Lily’s look of adoration on her was_ _enjoyable, wonderful, great._

 

_I_ _t was making her feel powerful, even if it was just a lie she had invented._

 

_She wanted this, forever._

 

_She even wanted more._

 

_When she had seen her, standing up in majesty, she had wanted to rip out her dress, put this one into pieces._

 

_And now, she could do so._

 

_She put the outfit in two pie_ _ce_ _s,_ _revealing the young woman’s skin._

 

_Delicately, she took her underwear from her, admiring the young body under her._

 

_Alexandra had a sad smile._

 

“ _So beautiful… And so sad… So easy to ruin...”_

 

_There was madness now in Lily’s eyes too, and Alexandra recognized herself in her look._

 

_A_ _look which meant this._

 

_She wanted this to happen._

 

_Violently,_ _and almost cruelly, she_ _slashed Lily’s arm with her nails, making her bleed._

 

_T_ _aken by an impulsion,_ _Alexandra put her mouth on_ _the wound,_ _licking it, drinking her lover’s blood with delight._

 

Oh, hell, where was she going ?

 

 _What_ was she becoming ?

 

_She continued her kissing, her biting, and Lily continued to moan._

 

Her Lily would have hated this, had it happened for real.

 

But it was not her, right ?

 

It was not real.

 

_When Lily gave her a pleading look, Alexandra finally inserted two fingers into her pussy, penetrating her, leaving Lily with a sight of contentment._

 

 _The moves of back of forth accelerated,_ just as Alexandra did in the real world.

 

And, as Alexandra’s moans were beginning to be louder and louder, _so did Lily’s_.

 

“ _More… Lily begged. Please… more.”_

 

When the Lily of her fantasy finally came, Alexandra screamed with pleasure and fell back on her bed.

 

Hell… She was so fucked up…

 

_§§§§_

 

Days passed and remained the same.

 

Alexandra continued touching herself anytime she could, because it was the only thing she had found to stop herself from destroying everything, _burning_ everything, including herself too, including of course the _world_ itself.

 

Just in order to know if it was really _not_ _real_.

 

(Alexandra had sometimes thought about killing herself, just in order to know if there would be any other side waiting for her, if they were real enough so they could get after their death to some Paradise or Olympus or any other word this world was called.

 

The simple thought that there could be _nothing_ waiting for them terrified her beyond belief, a thing she would never have thought before this terrible situation began.

 

Sometimes, it even stopped her from breathing during a _too_ _much_ long time.)

 

It helped, a little, but rapidly, it was not enough anymore for her.

 

Every time she did it, she was feeling like she needed something else.

 

Something more than what she already had.

 

Something which was going _further_ , and she just didn’t know _what_.

 

It was terrible to think this, but she finally realized that she, in fact, wanted her fantasies – the one coming to her mind while she pleasured herself – to become true.

 

She wanted to hurt someone, but didn’t want to do this on someone who _wouldn’t want it_. As it was the case for Lily.

 

Lily would never want it to happen for real, and by the way, she just didn’t want her anymore.

 

Which leaded Alexandra to another problem.

 

A realization that had hit her lately, because this was something she just couldn’t accept to believe.

 

She wanted _Pinocchio_.

 

Yes.

 

She was definitely fucked up.

 

_§§§§_

 

To try to define her feelings toward Pinocchio would have been pretty harsh.

 

She hated him for revealing to her the secret about their reality which was not that real at all, and at the same time, there was a part of her which really loved him since a while.

 

She loved him, yes, but now, it was not about love anymore.

 

It was about her letting go of her darker instincts.

 

Sometimes, she hated herself for wanting to destroy him that much, but hell, _he_ was the one who put first her world on fire, right ?

 

It was just justice that she made the same thing to him, no ?

 

Well, her moral sense was answering her a simple no.

 

That was the reason why she was so conflicted : Pinocchio didn’t deserve to be the victim of her rage, even if he was indirectly the one who woke it up.

 

And yes, it seemed like her unconscious was not agreeing at all with her.

 

Because, after she understood what she wanted now, in all her dreams and fantasies, Lily was replaced by Pinocchio.

 

(Hell, she…

 

Yes, it’s beginning a little repetitive.)

 

When she saw the blood on Pinocchio’s arms, when she saw the new scars, during one of her visits, she realized she may was not the only freak in the room.

 

“You did it again ?

 

He nodded, without answering at first; leaving her with her thoughts. At first, the first times, when she was coming there, he tried to hid it from her, but now, he didn’t even bother to, since she knew what he was doing.

 

Alexandra’s breath suddenly became heavier when she saw the blood.

 

Oh hell, did she want to fuck him right now.

 

Blood fascinated her, she had realized after she had seen Pinocchio cut himself.

 

She didn’t know why, but she wanted to drink it, as if she was collecting the fruits of her work, of her _torture_ on him.

 

And it was making her feel sick.

 

In what was she turning, some sort of vampire ?

 

\- Of course I did it again… he finally answered, seeming really tired.”

 

She took his arm and, looking at the scars, she frowned.

 

“What were doing at your arm ? I mean, apart of cutting it, of course…”

 

Pinocchio smiled.

 

“You see, my father… He was not just a craftsman, he was an artist too… That’s also the reason why I kept doing it, I was fascinated by the drawings I could make on my own skin.

 

She stayed silent.

 

\- You think I’m crazy, right ?

 

\- I think _the both of us_ are crazy. I think we have been put into madness after we realized how much we were _nothing_.

 

Tears fell from her eyes.

 

\- I think we will never be okay anymore. I think I just want the pain to stop, I just want to _forget_ about all of this, she added with a moved voice, but I can’t ! She wiped her tears with a move of contained anger. I think I’m scared, and that I just can’t cope with this, or support it anymore. Not this way, at least. And I know _I have_ to do something, but I don’t know _what_.”

 

Pinocchio’s answer astonished her.

 

“Hit-me, he ordered her.

 

\- Excuse me… What ? She asked, naturally shocked.

 

\- Hit-me, he repeated. Fight-me. Punch-me. I know this is what you want to do.

 

\- What do you mean ? She demanded, falsely innocent. She already knew too much what he really meant.

 

\- Your rage, you anger… All these feelings which are burning you and that you can’t make go, that you can’t control… This violence you showed when we fought together… Against each other. You couldn’t hid it, and it exploded this day, and I’m sure as hell that it’s not gone. And I understand this, I _understand_ what you’re living. Because this is what I am enduring too, because my need to destroy myself hadn’t disappeared too. It is just expressed in a different way.”

 

Something new then happened in her eyes, something… different. She was not crying anymore, and she was looking at her friend with curiosity. Suddenly, she began looking at him with a strange air, as if she had just understood something about him, the same way he had understood her completely.

 

“You want this… You want this to happen, you want our fight to happen again… You want to… _suffer_. I mean… You _like_ it, right ?”

 

When did it happen ? When did Pinocchio turn from just wanting to hit himself and punish himself for what happened into someone who actually liked what he was feeling ?

 

When did her friend become a true masochist ?

 

And why did she see nothing ?

 

“You became addicted to physical pain… she finally realized. You _enjoy_ this now. Just as much as I like, well _need_ to hurt people physically.”

 

They were the same, she realized.

 

Strange people who had been destroyed in the past months.

 

They were _twisted, broken, fucked-up_.

 

So, maybe…

 

Maybe they wanted the same thing, in a different way.

 

She smiled, making her grip around her friend’s arm firmer.

 

“I have a proposition for you…”

 

_To be continued…_

 

**Next chapter :** **SMUT !**


	4. Maybe that together we could heal.

**Author’s note :** **Smut, smut, and again… Smut.**

 

“What do you mean ? He asked her this time.

 

She gave him a twisted smile.

 

She remembered him, remembered a man who used to love her, remembered how much they were happy together, once upon a time.

 

Their relationship hadn’t lasted for a long time, and yet, it had _mattered_ , for them.

 

Maybe that what they needed was to come back to this situation.

 

With some changes, of course.

 

They were not the same anymore, after all.

 

Nothing was the same at all.

 

“I guess it’s the time for some confessions now… She whispered with a smile. I hate you and I love you at the same time. _I want you_ , she finally admitted. I want to fuck you, to ruin you, to destroy you. And I want to love you too… And I know this is what you want.”

 

Regarding to his look, he was not ready for this, not ready to hear it, to accept it, to _admit_ what they both knew.

 

“We are linked _forever_ , because you told me the truth, and now, I just can’t get you out of my head. We are the same ! We want the same thing. We are afraid of not being real, and we just want to feel something. To feel real. And I know I just can get it with _you_ only, and no one or nothing else.

 

\- It doesn’t mean we have to have sex, Pinocchio tried to protest, already knowing it was vain, already knowing that she was right. And she knew it too.

 

\- But you want it. You want _me_ , as much as I want you. And you’re afraid of this desire. Because you don’t want to think about what it must mean… It would mean accepting your dark desires, accepting who you really are now, who you _became_ , who _we_ became both. And you _can’t_.

 

\- How…

 

\- I have been through this phase too already, before you… I told you, Pinocchio… We know each other, we _understand_ each more than anyone else will ever be able to, because we know the same secret !”

 

His eyes weren’t lying anymore.

 

She was right, and he knew it, even if he hadn’t accepted it yet.

 

She smiled.

 

“Come at my castle when you decide you can’t handle anymore being alone and empty.”

 

And she left.

 

_§§§§_

 

Three days passed, and Pinocchio began to think that he was becoming crazy.

 

Alexandra’s remark had awaken something in him.

 

Something he didn’t want to think about before, but that he was forced to do now.

 

She had been the first one to put _words_ on what he was feeling. She was the first who had understood how good he was feeling when he felt pain.

 

Yes, it was _absurd_.

 

 _He_ was absurd.

 

But it was the only way he had to feel alive, and not to feel too much guilty.

 

What Alexandra had wanted to tell him was that, maybe, pain was not the only thing which could make him feel alive and good.

 

She had told him that she couldn’t get him out of her head, and well, the contrary was true.

 

When they had fought against each other, when she had hurt him… Gods, he hadn’t feel so good before this moment, and it didn’t come back after.

 

Pinocchio had seen her smile at him with madness in her eyes, and he had wanted to kiss her like he never did before.

 

The princess hadn’t left his mind after that.

 

There were nights where he woke up abruptly not after a nightmare but after getting a too much vivid dream about her.

 

He woke up, hard, breathing heavily, and it rapidly became a problem for him.

 

The former puppet didn’t know _how_ she had known it, but she was goddamn right.

 

He wanted her.

 

So much.

 

And he didn’t know what to do about it.

 

_§§§§_

 

He supported it during one week.

 

Alexandra had accepted well who she had became (well, not that easily, but that was a detail), unlike him.

 

Because it would mean to accept that this situation would _never_ change. That they would never be the same anymore, and never be different from who they were now.

 

He rapidly realized he needed to see her.

 

When he entered into the castle, she was waiting for him. She was more magnificent than ever, and Pinocchio suddenly realized that the roles had been completely reversed without him paying attention to this.

 

 _She_ had the power now, after he did – since he was the one who had the knowledge about their world, about their reality, once – and there was nothing he could do to change that.

 

Well, actually, there was nothing he _wanted_ to do.

 

When she took his arm and brought him into her room, he didn’t resist.

 

He didn’t want to.

 

After all, he was the one who decided to come here.

 

Alexandra smiled.

 

“So… you came…

 

He smirked.

 

\- You thought I wouldn’t ?

 

She shrugged with a lazy smile.

 

\- I doubted you would, she admitted.

 

\- What ? After this speech you made me about knowing me and understanding me ?

 

\- Well… I don’t know everything… Then, she frowned. You’re here because you wanted to come, right ?”

 

It was the first time since she made her proposition that she didn’t seem to be that confident, as if she wanted to be sure that he wanted this.

 

And he liked it, liked this fragility she was showing him, because it meant that she hadn’t healed yet, that she was as broken as he was.

 

He finally smiled.

 

“I love you Alexandra. I loved you even when you were still with Lily, and I already wanted to be with you. Not just because of the situation or because of our link.

 

Her look softened.

 

\- And I love you too.”

 

Alexandra realized at this precise moment that this would be the only moment of softness that they would allow themselves to enjoy and share, to indulge themselves.

 

Because then, they would just rough things and feelings.

 

_§§§§_

 

When she finally grabbed him by the collar, he was not even surprised.

 

And he didn’t even try to resist.

 

He just smiled.

 

Wasting no time, she flatted him against the wall, and finally kissed him, kissed him as she never kissed anyone before, not even Lily.

 

It was a kiss which was both full of passion, love, and also a lot of desperation.

 

It was a kiss which was screaming : _pleas_ _e_ _make me forget._

 

_Please make me feel something._

 

And he clearly understood it, answering to the kiss, and putting his arms around her.

 

For the first time since a long time, she felt like she was not alone anymore.

 

They finally broke the kiss, both lacking of air, and he smiled to her.

 

“Someone seems to be a little impatient… He joked.

 

\- Oh, shut up ! I have waited for this for _months_ … And so did you, she affirmed.

 

He nodded.

 

\- Of course, he answered, before kissing her again.

 

She smiled.

 

It was just what she wanted.

 

It was _perfect_.

 

What they had was perfect.

 

As he looked at her, Pinocchio felt a little less bad, seeing how happy she seemed to be now.

 

He was feeling like darkness were behind them now, even if it might be a naive point of view.

 

They were still hurt and broken, of course it wouldn’t be easy for them.

 

Alexandra rummaged trough his hair with her hands.

 

“I am still angry, you know ? At myself, at you, at _everyone_. And this is not going to stop right now… I want to destroy everything around me, she confessed. He was the only person to who she dared saying this. I want to destroy you...”

 

Oh hell, it still felt strange to say it this way.

 

“Well… try.”

 

Was it defy in his voice ?

 

Oh, of course it was.

 

“Oh, but I will…”

 

She didn’t know how, but she knew that she would surely try.

 

Then, slowly, she put her long nails on his arm, anger burning her more and more as she was thinking about the horror of their situation.

 

Without hesitating, she hammered her nails in it, beginning to scratch him violently and purposefully.

 

She felt the coldness leave her more and more as she saw the blood appear in front of her eyes.

 

She smiled with sadism.

 

Her smile grew even larger when she saw his face and his look, and the grimace of pain and pleasure which was written in it.

 

Yeah… she did have the power back now.

 

With one gesture, using her magic, she transported them on the bed just next to them.

 

As she kissed him again, she continued hurting him, again and again, letting him bleed, not touching him in another place of his body.

 

The princess began to use her magic to make it easier to hurt him, and she grinned when she saw him bleed even more.

 

He was not in danger, since her magic was preventing him from dying, but to see him here, under her – she was just on top of him, _dominating_ him completely – well, it was making her burn with joy.

 

Pinocchio was _powerless_ , and for the first time in _months,_ Alexandra really felt _alive._

 

There was blood on her hands, so much blood, too much, maybe, but she didn’t care.

 

She was drunk with joy, and happiness, she was ecstatic, and right now, she couldn’t remember anything but what she was living right now.

 

She put her hand on his chest, scratching him again violently with a sadistic smile, ripping his shirt into pieces, revealing his torso, which began to bleed.

 

This time, he couldn’t contain a moan of pleasure, leaving Alexandra with a satisfied smile on her lips.

 

“It seems like I am not the only one to be impatient, she whispered to his ear, making him shiver.”

 

Pressing her body against his, she felt that he was already hard. Taking his shirt, she then put her mouth on the wound, kissing and licking it hungrily, taking new moans from him.

 

Apparently, she was not the only one who was hungry…

 

She then cured all his wounds, and when she kissed him, her mouth tasted like blood, but he didn’t care at all.

 

He loved her like she was : crazy, violent, and impossible to control.

 

At this moment, he finally realized that he was half-naked, while she still had her clothes on her : it just couldn’t last this way any longer;

 

Pinocchio didn’t try to reverse their situation, but, he decided to rip out her dress from her, just as she did with him, revealing then her underwear.

 

She was not stuck to him anymore, and he sat down on the bed, as her, and he looked at her almost naked body with desire and a hunger she could just understand too much.

 

And he was still hard.

 

With a mischievous grin, she decided to go away from the bed, standing up, and taking away from her the rest of her underwear.

 

She was there, standing up, strong, proud, fierce, and Pinocchio found her so _beautiful_.

 

It was clearly an invitation, and he didn’t even wait for her to ask him to come there, and he walked into her direction.

 

He looked at her, fascinated.

 

As he kissed her again, he had this time the possibility to explore her body with his hands ( _finally_ ) – and this time, _he_ had pressed her against the wall – cupping her breasts and caressing them again and again.

 

He couldn’t repress a smile of satisfaction when he realized he was the one who was making her moan.

 

“I… hate… you, she whispered between her moans, without any real conviction, but still feeling the rage burn in her veins and turning into something completely different. She was feeling his hands on her breasts, and hell, did it feel _good_. So… much, she continued with difficulty.”

 

She moaned again.

 

_Oh gods…_

 

“Tell-me, she said, biting her lips to stop herself from moaning, why don’t you… hum… She muttered, as he was kissing her neck. Why don’t you behave like a good boy and kneel in front of me ? She asked him with an imperious voice.”

 

She didn’t know if he would accept or not, in fact, it was the first time she was saying this kind of things aloud.

 

He had no idea he needed to do this before she ordered him to do so, but he realized that _this_ was what he wanted to do the most right now.

 

To be _destroyed_ as she promised, be reduced to _nothing_ , because he was the _culprit_ , the monster, because he _deserved_ this to happen to him, he deserved to be _punished_.

 

(Oh, it was false, of course, but Pinocchio had long lost contact with truth and reality, he was too much broken to think differently, and he couldn’t realize that it was wrong.)

 

He wanted her to dominate him _for_ _real_ , not in a game, he wanted to be _hers_ , to be nothing anymore. He wanted to stop thinking, to stop being afraid of not being real, to stop feeling wrong.

 

He just wanted to feel something.

 

Even if it was something like humiliation (even if he knew Alexandra would never do such a thing to him.)

 

The hand he felt on his cock finally decided him, and he obeyed to her almost automatically.

 

The smile Alexandra gave to him just made him feel even more horny, and just more willing to please her the best he could.

 

When he finally got on his knees, he felt better than he ever did before.

 

He parted her legs with his hands and put his head between her thighs.

 

When he felt a hand gripped at his hairs, he moaned despite himself toward this treatment, the hand directing him just _right_ where Alexandra wanted him to be and just _the way_ she wanted.

 

He began to suck and lick his clit, and she slowly began to moan.

 

He smiled.

 

The night had just began…

 

_§§§§_

 

Alexandra came with a great moan.

 

Pinocchio cleaned his face, and, as he looked up at her and saw how radiant with joy she was, he smiled.

 

Giving him her hand, she invited him to stand up again, she kissed him a new time, cupping his face in her hands.

 

She scratched him again, not seeming to get enough of it, and she was savoring every moan of pain or pleasure she was taking from him.

 

His pupils were dilated, he was breathing heavily, and he was burning with desire and all he wanted was : _more, more, more…_

 

“You like it, don’t you ?”

 

He nodded, not trusting his voice enough to be able to talk.

 

He was again on the bed, under her, and he was loving the situation in which they were. Yes, it was wrong, and terrible, and horrible, and – _hell, what had happened to them ?_ – but yet, it was so good at the same time.

 

When she opened her legs and finally impaled herself on his member, Pinocchio and her just _stopped_ _thinking_.

 

As the moves of the back and forth were becoming faster and faster, and as their moans were now louder and louder, and as pleasure was invading them, they realized that it was just what they both always wanted.

 

They didn’t realize how much they had fallen nor how broken they both were…

 

_§§§§_

 

Alexandra fell asleep next to Pinocchio with a smile on her lips.

 

Before she completely lost conscience, she just thought :

 

_We are real, we are real, we are real…_

 

_WE ARE REAL !_

 

The end.


End file.
